The weight of betrayal on partners of sex and porn addicts
Sex and porn addiction can wreak havoc on intimate relationships, leaving partners grappling with a range of complex emotions and challenges. While much attention is given to the addicts themselves, it is crucial to acknowledge and understand the profound impact on their partners.
Betrayal trauma: The
initial shock
Betrayal trauma is a unique form of trauma experienced by partners of sex and porn addicts. Discovering that a partner has been engaging in secretive sexual behaviour or consuming pornography can shatter the foundation of trust and safety in the relationship.
"Being deceived is one of the worst things that can happen to you as a human being. Deception is a traumatic experience," says Andrea Mayrhofer, a certified sex addiction psychotherapist.
"There are many ways in which deception is damaging. But sex and intimacy violations are particularly intense because they are so close to home, on a personal and vulnerable level."
This betrayal often feels deeply personal, leading to intense feelings. The partner's reality is abruptly altered, leaving them questioning what is real and what is not.
The emotional rollercoaster
The emotional aftermath of discovering a partner's sex or porn addiction can be overwhelming. Partners often experience a range of emotions, including:
Shock and disbelief: Initial reactions often involve disbelief and shock. The revelation can be so jarring that it feels surreal, like a bad dream.
Anger and rage: As the shock subsides, anger and rage can emerge. Partners may feel a deep sense of betrayal and resentment towards the addict for their actions and the deceit involved.
Grief and sadness: Grieving the loss of the relationship they thought they had is common. Partners mourn the perceived loss of the person they loved and the future they envisioned together.
Shame and self-blame: Many partners internalise the addiction, feeling ashamed or blaming themselves for their partner's behaviour. They may wonder if they were not enough or if they could have done something differently.
Anxiety and hypervigilance: Constantly worrying about the addict's behaviour and fearing further betrayal can lead to heightened anxiety and hypervigilance, making it difficult to relax or trust again.
"Partners go through waves," Andrea explains. It is one huge wave in the beginning when the deception is discovered, and the pain returns in cycles. That is why it may be common to see betrayed partners "blowing up" or having a big and seemingly disproportionate emotional reaction.
“The impact of betrayal trauma can last some time, as it preoccupies the brain. Humans need to know that they are safe. When the violation is deception, you stop feeling safe in the relationship.”
Impact on identity
Sex and porn addiction can significantly impact a partner's sense of self and identity. They may begin to question their worth, attractiveness, and value in the relationship. This identity crisis can manifest in several ways:
Erosion of self-esteem: Partners often feel inadequate or unworthy, leading to a diminished sense of self-esteem and self-worth.
Questioning reality: The constant deception can lead partners to question their perception of reality and their ability to trust their judgment.
Loss of confidence: The betrayal can undermine a partner's confidence in themselves and their ability to navigate relationships and life in general.
Isolation: Many partners feel isolated and ashamed, reluctant to share their experiences with others due to fear of judgment or misunderstanding.
Finding safety
In Andrea's experience working with partners, most would think about leaving the relationship when they discover they have been deceived. That is a normal reaction due to the emotional upheaval. However, many partners may choose not to proceed with a divorce or separation after the initial reaction.
She shares that the first thing after discovery of betrayal is to stabilise, which includes prioritising self-care and learning ways to be grounded.
“Self-care and grounding are important, so that partners are not living in constant stress and despair.”
Talking about the discovery and impact of betrayal is also important. She notes that one of the most critical things partners need is to have a safe, neutral, and non-judgemental space to share about their experience.
"Many partners may try to share their experiences with relatives or friends, only to get blamed, disbelief, or to be dismissed. That makes it a lot worse for them. Partners need to find safety again - and the first step is to talk about it over and over again," she shares.
Andrea Mayrhofer is a certified sex and multi-addiction psychotherapist and clinical supervisor with over 32 years of multicultural counselling experience. She has lived in Singapore for over 20 years, and has also lived in Frankfurt, New York City, and Kansas. She currently lives in Krakow, Poland. Here at Stillness for the Heart, we have trained counsellors offering sex and porn addiction therapy as well as support for partners. If this article resonates with your experience, please do not hesitate to reach out to one of our counsellors here.
