How to overcome sex and porn addiction: “It’s what you pick up, not what you give up.”

Stillness for the Heart counsellor Oliver Ackermann believes that abstinence only goes so far in the treatment of sex and porn addiction. In this article, he shares how he journeys with individuals to build inner resources and pathways to recovery. 

Sex and porn addiction is debilitating and can have a devastating impact on our lives and of those around us. Making the commitment to seek help is a brave and courageous step one can take, but the steps to recovery can feel daunting and overwhelming when it seems like we are going at it alone. Here at Stillness for the Heart, we endeavour to support you and to be part of your journey.

The traditional tenets of recovery from addictions - ensuring sobriety through abstinence and connection with community - can be beneficial in the early stages of recovering from sex and porn addiction as it breaks the cycle of addiction, but prolonged abstinence from sex is not helpful in the long run as sex is fundamentally a part of the human experience.

The aim of recovery from sex and porn addiction is to change the relationship we have with sex, and to build new ways of coping with the triggers that drive our addictive behaviours.

Understanding your addiction

The first step of recovery involves learning about the nature of sex and porn addiction, its effects on our brain, and strategies for recovery. This includes answering any questions or doubts you may have, and ensuring you are comfortable working with your therapist. We will also point you to educational resources and walk you through personalised guidance and support in our therapy sessions ahead.

Initial abstinence for a brain reset

This is often critical as it breaks the cycle of addiction. It is a collaborative decision we make with you and agree on a set period of time to abstain from the addictive behaviours. During this stage, we aim to eliminate access to pornographic material and identify your triggers. This will allow us to craft new and alternative ways to get around the triggers or places or sources of temptation. 

Priming the stage for recovery

Where necessary, we may jointly decide to cut out substances like caffeine, sugar, and alcohol temporarily, as they can exacerbate addictive behaviours and hinder recovery. Caffeine and sugar can lead to spikes and crashes in energy and mood, triggering cravings, while alcohol lowers inhibitions and can lead to impulsive behaviours, increasing the risk of relapse. 

Gaining new ways of coping

Next, we will work together to develop new and healthier ways to cope with stress and your emotions. Exercise is particularly effective as regular physical activity helps reduce stress, improve mood and our overall well-being, while getting into a new hobby or activities that you enjoy can help keep your mind and body occupied. 

Many of us struggling with sex and porn addiction are used to turning to sexual behaviours and actions to cope with stress and difficult feelings. It often becomes the only coping method we have, which impacts the way we perceive sex and negatively affects our relationships with our loved ones.

In therapy, we will understand what triggers your addictive behaviours - people, places, emotions, or situations - and learn how to manage impulses through mindfulness and self-regulation techniques. We will also learn that there are more helpful ways to respond to stress and feelings.

Confronting and accepting the wounded parts of ourselves

We may also explore some of your childhood experiences, where early unmet emotional needs or unresolved trauma fuel our inner beliefs and unhelpful coping. This involves processing different experiences and emotions, with the assistance of therapeutic techniques such as EMDR or other trauma-based interventions. Learning to tolerate and manage difficult emotions without resorting to addictive behaviours is essential for long-term recovery.

The opposite of addiction is connection

Too often, we withdraw from our loved ones and people around us when we are deep in our addictive behaviours. Recovery from sex and porn addiction involves reconnecting with the people who are important to us and joining communities that offer support and hope, as they provide encouragement and accountability in a life free from addiction. 

The path to new beginnings

Recovery from sex and porn addiction is challenging, but achievable and fulfilling. When we take intentional steps to recover and reclaim our lives beyond addiction, we discover new ways, resources, and opportunities to thrive and embrace life to the fullest. 

Check out this short video created by Dr. Paula Hall of Laurel Centre, an accredited sexual and relationship psychotherapist who has been helping people affected by sex and porn addiction for over 15 years. Here, she illustrates the science of sex and porn addiction and opportunities for recovery.

If you or someone you know is struggling with sex and porn addiction, rest assured that we are here to support you in your journey to recovery. Reach out to us to learn more or book an appointment. Stillness for the Heart also conducts Kickstart workshops for anyone who may be interested in understanding the stages of recovery.