Am I a sex and porn addict?

Our therapist Oliver Ackermann highlights the key differences between having a healthy interest in sex and a struggle with sex and porn addiction.

It is not uncommon to encounter confusing or varying perspectives on sexuality, consumption of porn, or engaging in sexual activities. However, there are clear distinctions between a person with a healthy sex life and another who is struggling with a sex and porn addiction.

“I use sex or porn to distract myself from things I do not want to think about.”

It is natural to occasionally think about sex as a way to relieve stress or to pass time. Healthy coping mechanisms typically include a variety of activities and interests, ensuring that sex is just one of the many ways to deal with emotions.

When sex or porn becomes the primary or only method for coping with stress, boredom, or difficult emotions, it can be a sign of addiction. This reliance can prevent us from developing healthier coping methods, leading to a cycle where stress or boredom activates addictive behaviours.

“I cannot stop fantasising or obsessing about sex.”

Fantasising about sex is a natural part of human sexuality. It can enhance sexual experiences and intimacy with partners. Healthy fantasies are typically balanced with other aspects of life and do not dominate our thoughts excessively.

However, people who struggle with sex and porn addiction may find their fantasies becoming intrusive and overwhelming, taking up significant mental space throughout the day. These thoughts and obsessions often interfere with daily activities and responsibilities, making it difficult to concentrate on work, studies, or personal commitments.

“My work and relationships are suffering.”

Healthy sexuality typically does not interfere with personal relationships or professional responsibilities. Many people can maintain a balance, ensuring their sexual interests do not negatively impact or influence other aspects of their lives.

A clear sign of addiction is that it unintentionally but inevitably leads to neglect. Work performance may decline, and personal relationships can become strained or damaged due to the excessive focus and preoccupation on sexual activities. Missed deadlines, decreased productivity, and conflicts with loved ones are some common signs. 

“I cannot stop no matter how hard I try.”

People with a healthy interest in sex can control their sexual behaviours. We can decide when to engage in sexual activities and when to focus on other priorities. There is a conscious choice involved in our actions.

On the other hand, people who struggle with sex and porn addiction often face difficulties putting a stop to their sexual behaviours. Many of them might already be aware of the negative impact it has on other aspects of their lives, but find themselves returning to their preferred sexual activities after some effort to resist them. This often leads to feelings of helplessness and shame.

I need more to achieve the same feeling I used to get.”

In healthy sexual relationships, the desire and pleasure derived from sex remain relatively stable. While some variation is normal, people do not require significantly increasing amounts of sexual stimulation to feel satisfied.

When someone struggles with sex and porn addiction, tolerance is often built up over time where more frequent or intense sexual experiences are required to achieve the same level of satisfaction. This escalation can often lead to riskier behaviours and a constant search for newer and more extreme forms of sexual experiences, such as hiring of sex workers or voyeurism.

“It does not seem to feel as enjoyable anymore.”

People with a healthy interest in sex generally find it consistently pleasurable and fulfilling. While occasional fluctuations in enjoyment are normal, sex remains a positive and enjoyable part of life.

When it comes to sex and porn addiction, the pleasure derived from sex or porn often diminishes as it progresses. We may continue to engage in these activities out of habit, compulsion, or a need to alleviate discomfort rather than for genuine enjoyment. This can lead to a cycle of increased use with decreasing satisfaction. 

“I feel like I am living a double life.”

A healthy interest in sex is usually integrated into life with no need for secrecy or leading separate lives, because sexual behaviours are in harmony with our values and daily responsibilities.

However, addiction often forces us to lead double lives, keeping sexual behaviours hidden from friends, family, and colleagues. Overtime, this secrecy creates a significant toll on our psychological well-being, and it may be common to experience feelings of guilt, shame, and isolation. The fear of being discovered can dominate our thoughts, further perpetuating the cycle of addiction. 

If you recognise some of these signs in yourself or someone you know, it will be helpful to learn more about the options and resources available. Please feel free to reach out to us for a consultation or check out some of our other articles on sex and porn addiction.