Meet shame, my dark and silent shadow
Shame can limit our capacity to connect with others authentically.
A few weeks ago, Oliver and I attended the one-day National Counselling & Psychotherapy Conference 2024 held at Holiday Inn Singapore Orchard City Centre. It was a day full of helpful insights on some of the most prevalent aspects seen in our therapeutic work with clients. It was also a day that compelled me to reflect on shame, one of the topics covered during the conference that is incidentally one of the most uncomfortable emotions for me to talk about.
Shame is a universal emotion that many of us carry, often without fully realising it. Unlike guilt, which arises from recognising we have done something wrong, shame is the painful belief that we are wrong - that we are fundamentally flawed. Dr. Brené Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability and shame, describes it as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging".
Where shame begins
From personal experience, I know how deeply shame can take root. Like many, I developed shame in childhood through moments where I felt judged or inadequate. Those early experiences shaped how I saw myself well into adulthood, creating patterns of self-punitiveness and self-doubt that are difficult to shake. Shame often starts early in life, growing out of interactions with parents, teachers, peers, or even the broader cultural expectations we are exposed to. A harsh word, a dismissive look, or an environment that demands perfection can all sow the seeds of shame. Over time, these experiences build into a narrative of not being “enough” - not smart enough, good enough, or worthy enough.
Psychotherapist Dr. Gershen Kaufman explains that shame is “inescapably interpersonal”. It does not happen in isolation; it comes from relationships and experiences that teach us we are somehow flawed.
How shame follows us into adulthood
As adults, the effects of shame do not simply disappear—they show up in subtle yet powerful ways. Shame might hold us back from speaking up, make us fear vulnerability in relationships, or push us to overwork in an effort to prove our worth.
Physically, shame often lives in the body. I have felt it as a heavy weight in my chest, a sense of shrinking, or even an inability to meet someone’s gaze. Dr. Peter Levine, a pioneer in trauma therapy, notes that shame can activate the fight, flight, or freeze response, keeping us stuck in patterns of hyper-vigilance or avoidance.
These physical sensations reflect the larger emotional toll of shame. It can limit our capacity to connect with others authentically, leading to defensiveness, withdrawal, or people-pleasing. Over time, it erodes our confidence and self-worth.
Living and working through shame
How do we manage shame? For me, it is learning to recognise when it shows up and choosing to respond differently. It is an ongoing journey to offer myself self-compassion and slowly unlearn those old, ingrained patterns of self-bashing. Therapy has been an important part of this process, helping me unpack the roots of my shame, challenge old beliefs, and practice new ways of relating to myself.
Some techniques in therapy, for example, allow us to tune into the physiological sensations tied to shame and approach them with curiosity instead of judgment. This includes observing them, sometimes from a distance, and making space for them instead of wishing them away. Others can help challenge the unhelpful thoughts shame creates, encouraging more compassionate self-talk.
Some days, it is easier to offer myself kindness; other times, the old patterns of self-criticism creep back in. Overtime, it is about committing, day by day, to meet myself with gentleness and patience.
“If we cultivate enough courage to share [about it], shame loses its grip.” - Dr. Brené Brown
A path of self-compassion
I wanted to write about shame precisely because shame thrives in silence and secrecy, and the only way for shame to lose its power is to talk about it. By naming it, understanding where it comes from, and reaching out, we can learn to live alongside it without letting it define us.
As Dr. Brown says, “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. If we cultivate enough courage to share it, shame loses its grip." Sharing my own experiences has been part of this process - reminding me that I am not alone and that there’s strength in being vulnerable.
Healing from shame is not about perfection or erasing its presence; it is about creating space for self-acceptance, flaws and all. While the work is ongoing, every step forward builds a stronger connection to self-worth and the possibility of living more authentically.
